today i am feeling wonky, actually i feel exactly like the weather...sunny yet cloudy, wanting to be outside, but wanting to hide inside, warm but also cold... i forget about the transition from winter and spring, and how difficult it can be... i have been looking forward to spring so much that i forgot how it can make me feel: the conflict between happiness and sadness, social and anti-social... and with the baby coming too, i want to hide out, but my friends want to see me, and i feel bad about staying home... i am realizing that i feel guilt when i am not doing something, in particular working... and with the baby coming, i can see that conflict pretty clear... taking care of myself and the baby is the most important, but it is already proving difficult to think what is best... things to learn about myself...
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